Reminding myself

Lately, I've been learning to live with a new strange feeling, something that I've never really known or experienced before.  The closest I can describe it is that feeling of being kicked in the guts...perpetually.  And it manifests itself in different ways.  It looks like clenched teeth and hands on my head, or doubled over holding my stomach.  It sounds like 'bummer', frustrated groans and sneaky 'whys'.

It absolutely does not mean that I feel it all the time, out of control, or in every context.

But it's real, and it hangs around.  It's the obvious response to circumstances and experiences.  But I'm determined to take every thought and feeling captive, and to trust that the experiences I undergo are going to be used to transform me more into the image of Jesus.  There's a lot of truth and promise that I know in my head, but I need to inform my feelings of these truths.  I know this to be true, but day to day, or night to night (where all good thinking happens), it's a constant battle.  A battle against selfishness and pride.  A battle to trust and to be content.  I don't know if this feeling will go away anytime soon, but knowing truth definitely helps - bit by bit!

I read this in an autobiography I've been wading through:

"When mountains move, the earth shakes.  Mountains are big and we are small.  A moving mountain can crush us.  Splinters fall from the cross.  They travel a long distance and they pierce the skin - maybe even the heart.  And wrapped in this risk and danger is God's embrace and promise to work all things to the good of those who love Him...Many of the 'things' we will face will come with the razor edges of a fallen and broken world."

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 2 Corinthians 4:17

Out there...

Today I drew this.  Here's how it works.

The centre square is my comfort zone.  It has four solid walls, carefully invested in and intentionally built.  It has a lot of room in it to move around, swing my arms, run and stretch.  Within that space, I am totally cool - I know my own limitations, I know exactly how to operate within the zone.  I know what to expect, and I know how to respond to it, in fact, I can probably predict the comings and goings of that square.  I am safe to be assertive, to be a driver, mover, leader...as long as we stay within the zone!

Move out one square.  This is a scary place.  People who meet me here, think I'm shy.  I can go here, but I often don't know what to do.  Will I say something wrong, will I do something wrong, will I step on someone's toes.  In this zone, you lead, you choose, I will do whatever you suggest!  Sometimes I venture here, and good things happen.  Sometimes I venture here and get lost, and revert back to the safe zone.  Things can move from this zone to the safe zone with time, and effort and intentionality.  But it's normally a slow process.

Move out one square (no don't!!!).  This is the danger zone.  This is the world beyond my comfort zone, and even my 'uncomfort' zone!  This crazy wild area, has no boundaries, but it doesn't need any because I never go there anyway!  Well, not alone anyway.  If someone from the safe zone takes me beyond my zones, then it's as though I'm operating in the middle zone, but doing something I never would have thought.  I really want to go here, because here, I am pushed to go beyond my boundaries and expectations, I find this whole world of experience open up.  The excitement of the unknown and starting from scratch, learning, growing - I want to go here.  I know I look for easy ways - Who will take me here, who will show me, teach me, help me.  But sometimes, the easy way out is not the answer.  And if it was easy, it would be the safe zone.  But it's not.  I can't go by myself.

Or maybe I can.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.